I am a born romantic. I love the concept, history and experience of love. When I was a young girl, my father called me a hopeless romantic. People in the world say it's because I'm a Libra. Whatever the reason, I am fascinated with LOVE and always have been. For someone who loves the idea and experience of love, it's amazing how poorly I understand the concept. I am 35 years old currently and I have been in love two times in my life. I have experienced love in a multitude of others through friendship, mentors, family and observing the lives of others who have loved and are loved.
I realize that, until 10 years ago, I didn't know anything about love at all. I thought love meant that a guy paid extra attention to me, or spent his money on me, or took me to exciting adventurous places. I thought it meant that he wrote me letters expressing his love for me, or he kissed me, held me, or told me I was "the one" for him.
Unfortunately, I have been through many failed relationships and what once seemed like perfect love becomes a pit of wallowing and despair. Love that I felt would last forever ended suddenly and tragically, much like a Shakespeare story. Why is love so hard to understand, so hard to find and even harder to hold onto through the trials of life? Why do people say "I Love You" and profess to mean it with all their hearts, only to leave you, broken and abandoned (at times, while still in a relationship with you--emotional abandonment)?
I'm sure someone out there in the world can relate.
I have fallen into the trap of being with a codependent person, and even being codependent myself, but this too is NOT love. This is control, emotional manipulation and is mostly driven by a fear of not being loved, or good enough to maintain a loving relationship. Fear turns to anger and anger to controlling behavior and what results is ABUSE, not love.
Recently, God had me start a journal to express all my feelings. I have been separated from my husband for the past 14 months and have been living as a single mother to my three children. After 10 years of marriage, I realized that my life and my heart were broken. My heart needed to heal before I could ever really know love again, at least from a man. I had experienced loneliness, abandonment and betrayal, all under the name of "love." To be loved became synonymous with being hurt and rejected by the one who was supposed to love me.
In those same 10 years, I came to know the love of Jesus as the only true love I had ever known. Jesus was there for me, comforting me, caring for me, always present and loving to me, even when there was nobody else who understood my pain and suffering...He never left me or abandoned me.
This past year, I was asked this question..."Do your parents go to church? Is that why you're so religious? How did you get to be this way?"
I answered this question from my heart in the only way I know how to explain.
"Jesus RESCUED ME from the deepest pit of darkness I could imagine. He loved me when I was unlovable. He saved me and gave me unconditional love and every day He tells me that I am beautiful and He loves me. He has never left me or abandoned me, no matter what I've done and He never will."
He loved me first. He loved me when I hated Him. He loved me when I did everything evil in His sight and even persecuted Christians, hating everything they stood for and believed in. I loved making fun of Christians and delighted in tormenting them in every way possible. I was truly evil and Jesus loved me anyway. He died for me while I was this way, not when I suddenly got my act together and acted righteous. He loved me and saved me, chased after me, when I was in the deepest pit of darkness and evil that I could imagine. He never gave up on me and He never will.
That's how I learned what LOVE truly is...
That is the love that I seek. A love that is strong as death, and through His death and resurrection, even stronger than death. He took the keys to death and hell when He rose from the grave, so death no longer has any power over me.
His love is unconditional, amazing and everlasting. It never wears out and He never grows weary of me, even when I mess up 1,000,000 times. That's called grace and He gave it to me.
His only commandments are to LOVE. Love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love others as myself. I try my best to follow these commandments every day, remembering how much He loves me and what He has done for me in His love...so that others can experience His love as well.
The world's idea of love fails to deliver. It lasts but for a moment and then follows pain and heartache, but true love never fails.
God has asked me to spend the next year of my life studying love and marriage in His Word. I am keeping a journal and studying scriptures as He leads me. I will share with you what I come to know and understand as He teaches me.
If you are willing and want to learn about the love of God, true love at its best, come along on this journey with me.
I realize that, until 10 years ago, I didn't know anything about love at all. I thought love meant that a guy paid extra attention to me, or spent his money on me, or took me to exciting adventurous places. I thought it meant that he wrote me letters expressing his love for me, or he kissed me, held me, or told me I was "the one" for him.
Unfortunately, I have been through many failed relationships and what once seemed like perfect love becomes a pit of wallowing and despair. Love that I felt would last forever ended suddenly and tragically, much like a Shakespeare story. Why is love so hard to understand, so hard to find and even harder to hold onto through the trials of life? Why do people say "I Love You" and profess to mean it with all their hearts, only to leave you, broken and abandoned (at times, while still in a relationship with you--emotional abandonment)?
I'm sure someone out there in the world can relate.
I have fallen into the trap of being with a codependent person, and even being codependent myself, but this too is NOT love. This is control, emotional manipulation and is mostly driven by a fear of not being loved, or good enough to maintain a loving relationship. Fear turns to anger and anger to controlling behavior and what results is ABUSE, not love.
Recently, God had me start a journal to express all my feelings. I have been separated from my husband for the past 14 months and have been living as a single mother to my three children. After 10 years of marriage, I realized that my life and my heart were broken. My heart needed to heal before I could ever really know love again, at least from a man. I had experienced loneliness, abandonment and betrayal, all under the name of "love." To be loved became synonymous with being hurt and rejected by the one who was supposed to love me.
In those same 10 years, I came to know the love of Jesus as the only true love I had ever known. Jesus was there for me, comforting me, caring for me, always present and loving to me, even when there was nobody else who understood my pain and suffering...He never left me or abandoned me.
This past year, I was asked this question..."Do your parents go to church? Is that why you're so religious? How did you get to be this way?"
I answered this question from my heart in the only way I know how to explain.
"Jesus RESCUED ME from the deepest pit of darkness I could imagine. He loved me when I was unlovable. He saved me and gave me unconditional love and every day He tells me that I am beautiful and He loves me. He has never left me or abandoned me, no matter what I've done and He never will."
He loved me first. He loved me when I hated Him. He loved me when I did everything evil in His sight and even persecuted Christians, hating everything they stood for and believed in. I loved making fun of Christians and delighted in tormenting them in every way possible. I was truly evil and Jesus loved me anyway. He died for me while I was this way, not when I suddenly got my act together and acted righteous. He loved me and saved me, chased after me, when I was in the deepest pit of darkness and evil that I could imagine. He never gave up on me and He never will.
That's how I learned what LOVE truly is...
That is the love that I seek. A love that is strong as death, and through His death and resurrection, even stronger than death. He took the keys to death and hell when He rose from the grave, so death no longer has any power over me.
His love is unconditional, amazing and everlasting. It never wears out and He never grows weary of me, even when I mess up 1,000,000 times. That's called grace and He gave it to me.
His only commandments are to LOVE. Love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and love others as myself. I try my best to follow these commandments every day, remembering how much He loves me and what He has done for me in His love...so that others can experience His love as well.
The world's idea of love fails to deliver. It lasts but for a moment and then follows pain and heartache, but true love never fails.
God has asked me to spend the next year of my life studying love and marriage in His Word. I am keeping a journal and studying scriptures as He leads me. I will share with you what I come to know and understand as He teaches me.
If you are willing and want to learn about the love of God, true love at its best, come along on this journey with me.
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